Blogthings Non Sequitur

February 18, 2009 at 2:47 pm (fat rants) (, , )

This is what Blogthings has to say about my destiny:

You Are Destined to Be Thin

Even if you aren’t thin right now, you have great habits that will ensure you’re thin for most of your life.You have a great relationship with food and eating. Don’t change a thing.

*cracks up laughing*

Are you serious, Blogthings?  Okay, yeah, it’s not like this is a scientific test or anything.  But it does show how deeply ingrained are some of our culture’s assumptions about the supposed connections between food and weight.  Here are a few samples from the quiz — people who are “destined to be overweight”:

1.  Have an uncontrollable doughnut lust. Sorry, Blogthings, but not all of us fattehs even like doughnuts.  *raises hand*

2.  “Solve [their] problems with food”. What the flying fornication does this even mean?  How can any problem except hunger be “solved” with food?  Do they really think people are this stupid?  Guess what, I had a problem the other day: my car wouldn’t start.  And yes, it made me feel upset.  So by this reasoning, instead of doing what I did (get my roommate to come jump start my car) I should have immediately scarfed down two pizzas.  ‘Cuz fatties like me solve every problem with food, right?  *eye roll*

3.  Have nothing better to do after dinner than sit around eating “junk” food.

4.  Eat all the time, even when they’re not hungry.

5.  Are so ravenous that they’ll even dig through the trash to find food. I thought this was more characteristic of really, really thin people (you know, the starving kind?) and the homeless.

6.  Don’t like to eat around others. This one is probably true for a lot of us, but only because no matter how normally we actually eat, people will always assume that because we’re fat, we must be gorging ourselves, and that somehow this means we should be subject to vocal and humiliating public censure.  You’d want to eat alone, too, if you got dirty looks and uninvited comments every time you fed yourself in public.

7. “Eat more than [they] should” or “eat crap” when they’re really hungry. So many things wrong with this.  For one: who is to say how much another person “should” or “shouldn’t” eat, especially when they’re really hungry.  Have you been inside their body?  Do you know what they’re feeling at the moment?  Do you know all the ins and outs, all the quirks of their individual biology?  No!  People are the experts when it comes to their own unique bodies.  No one but  you has the right to decide what or how much is appropriate for you to eat.

When I’m really hungry, I’m really going to eat whatever I damn well please — there is no “should” or “should not” involved.  Stop trying to attach moral value to necessary human activities!

This quiz is a prime example of the kind of bullshit that happens when you assume that “normal” eating habits = thin.  Nope — doesn’t work that way for all of us!  The reverse doesn’t hold up under skeptical scrutiny either, by the way.

Bottomline: the size and shape of a person’s body does not automatically tell you anything about that person’s health or habits. So try not to assume things.  Because when you assume things about my ass, you make an ass out of your own damn self.  Something like that.  😉


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February 10, 2009 at 3:09 pm (fat rants, made-up words) (, , , , , )

Something rather bizarre happened to me a few nights ago.

It was late, as usual, when I finally made myself go to bed.  Still slightly damp from my daily ablutions, I turned off the lights and snuggled up beneath my cushy comforter, ready for sleep.

And I couldn’t.

You have to understand, this rarely happens to me.  I’m the kind of person who can sleep 8, 10 hours a night, then take a 3 hour nap during the day, no problem.  Sleep is my friend.

But there I lay, completely alert.  I noticed that my heart was racing.  I started trying to think of possible reasons for this.  Was I nervous about something?  No.  Was I anxious?  Not particularly.  Had something startled me?  Nope.

Then came the bizarre part — after going through the list of usual suspects, my brain suddenly gave me this reason: OMGFATTYDEATHHEARTATTACK!!!!!

I shit you not — heart attack.

So there I was at 1:00 a.m. like, “Oh my god, is my ticker puttering out on me already?  Fuck!  Why did I eat all that greasy fish and hushpuppies from Captain D’s today?”

Then the reasonable part of my brain gave the rest of my brain a good shake.  “Hang on, hang on, hang on — your heart’s beating a little faster than usual and suddenly you’re having a heart attack?  What about the 4+ cans of caffeinated beverages you’ve had today, the last of which you finished consuming a little over an hour ago?  Don’t you think that might have something to do with it?  Let’s apply a bit of Occam’s Razor, here, shall we?”

That sounded like a solid idea, but I wasn’t entirely convinced, so I decided to conduct an experiment: no caffeine after 7:00 p.m. the next night.  And guess what?  No late-night caffeiene = no late-night heart-racing.  Imagine that!

After that enlightening little episode, the part of my brain that conducts post-analyses of all the happenings of my life (that I call “The Observer“) gave me a few things to chew on.  For starters, why, after ruling out obvious things like being startled or feeling anxious, did I immediately jump to ZOMFGHEARTATTACK?  And furthermore — why did I immediately place the blame for my ailment on the greasy fish and chips I had eaten for lunch that day?  I mean, I’m an educated, fat-accepting person.  I know, rationally, that there is no evidence that the types of foods you eat cause or prevent disease.  So why all the sudden panic?

One word: catastrofat.

Catastrofat (taking my inspiration from Jon Stewart, here) is the ultimate end result of the mega-scary OBESITY EPIDEMIC oooga booga!  It’s the idea that everything bad that ever happens to anybody ever is caused solely and directly by their fat.  The idea that if you’re fat, or if you “let yourself get fat” (*coughbullshitcough*), your heart will suddenly explode, you will instantly get thuh diabeetus, all the cells in your body will turn into tumors and your pores and sweat glands will start oozing gravy.

And if enough of us have a catastrofat, it could very well lead to a full-blown fatageddon — an entire world full of fatties, wherein the egregiously overburdened health care system collapses, day-old infants die of heart attacks by the thousands, streets and sidewalks become clogged with the blubbery corpses of fat people, over-weighted airplanes plummet from the skies and explode into firey, bacon-scented balls of doom that sweep across the lands, threatening to consume the few remaining righteous, diet-pill-clutching thin people — the very ground shakes and splits, spewing forth a steady torrent of magma and chubby demons wielding sharp pointy sticks (with fattening, sugar-filled marshmellows on the ends), until the entire Earth becomes so overwhelmingly SUPERGIGANTOFAT that it falls out of orbit and explodes, ejecting moon-sized chunks of lard into space, endangering waif-like alien lifeforms in distant star systems.

Sound crazy?  Of course it does — because it’s complete, unadulterated bullshit.  There have always been fat people.  There have always been thin people.  There have always been somewhere-in-between people.  It’s called human diversity, and it’s a good thing!  But you wouldn’t know that from watching the news nowadays.  Everywhere you look there are frightening stories about how the “obesity epidemic” is going to cause widespread death and misery if we all don’t rally together to stop teh fat!  Is it such a leap from “obesity epidemic” to “fatageddon” after all?

Nevermind that it’s not an actual epidemic, and that the whole thing was made-up.

What I want to know is this: how the nickel-plated fuck do these ridiculous fears keep worming their way into my subconscious to be dredged up by my over-caffeinated brain late at night?  And more importantly, how to I get rid of them?  Can I get rid of them, given the fearmongering culture I live in?  I don’t know for sure, but I’ll be damned if I don’t try.

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New! Shiny!

February 9, 2009 at 11:33 pm (Uncategorized)

curvy girl

* Hello, peoples of the blogosphere!

Welcome to “Rubenescapades: Adventures in Curviness”, where I will blog primarily about size acceptance issues, with the occasional childfree rant thrown in just for fun.

The blog’s clever name (if you don’t think it’s clever, I don’t want to hear about it–I’d like to persist in my delusion, thanks) is a frothy, delicious portmanteau of:

Rubenesque — “of a woman’s body, ’rounded and plump,’ of the type characteristic of the paintings of Flem. painter Sir Peter Paul Rubens”


Escapade — “An adventurous, unconventional act or undertaking.”

Living in this country (hell, almost anywhere in the world nowadays) as a fat person–and being happy about it–counts as an adventurous and unconventional undertaking in my book.

So, I envision this blog as being part social commentary, part personal journey into self-acceptance, and part random weirdness.

Right now I’m going to shoot for bi-weekly updates–more when I’m not very busy, fewer when it’s exam time.  Posts will fall roughly into one of the following categories:

Rants — The bread and butter of blogging, ranting will form the largest percentage of my posts.  There will be two main types of rants: fat rants, and childfree rants, where I blow off some steam about whatever is currently cheesing me off.

Dollar Tree Deals — Y’all, I’m gonna be honest — my fat ass is broke.  And since I’m broke, I spend a lot of my leisure time perusing the aisles of my favorite store, the Dollar Tree.  As a means of taking a break from all the ranting, I will occasionally write about some cheapo, awesome thing I found there.

Single Eats — Having been single for quite awhile now, I’ve noticed something: supermarkets are not made with single people in mind.  It’s damned hard to find meals that lend themselves to dining for one, outside of fast food.  (And while I do love greasy cheeseburgers, even that gets boring after awhile.)  So, some of my posts will be dedicated to good foodstuffs for single people.  (Note that since I’m broke, this category will sometimes overlap with Dollar Tree Deals.  :))

More segments to come as I think of them.

And now, a forewarning: this blog will be full of expletives, snarky opinions, the occasional Appalachian terminology, made-up words, and fat-positivity.  None of which I will ever apologize for.  And while I welcome comments, anything that pisses me off (due to nastiness, rudeness or gratuitous immaturity) will be File 13’d.

With that said: welcome to Rubenescapades!

*Note: The juicy silhouette above is the work  of LimeGreenSquid, who was kind enough to let me use it as my avatar.

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